For years I will worry, fret, think about, go over a situation and will replay the whole scenario in my head until I feel like I’m going to go insane…I will read, re-read, research, study and take notes to be sure I understand…I will have regrets and wonder why I didn’t get that apology or why the person/people cannot see how they are or what they did, I will fluctuate between anger and understanding…I will go back and forth between unacceptance and forgiveness…between wanting to go back to needing to run away…it’s a cycle that is a crazy ride…
Then one day you wake up and it’s all over…you finally have come to accept the reality of the situation…you feel lighter…you no longer feel like you need to explain, you no longer need nor want outside validation because you have finally come to understand your validation is all that matters…you no longer care to explain yourself to anyone…you understand your life, your experiences and your path is yours alone and there’s no way anyone can or will ever understand….most people are to busy trying to get you to understand their path, their experience and wanting you to validate them!
Once you are able to get off the hamster wheel of over thinking, trying to get validation, and needing to be understood your path becomes very clear…it’s like a veil has been lifted and you can finally see clearly…
I’ve been on the hamster wheel for damn near 12 years…I’ve wasted so much of my life, my energy, my time…
I think maybe writing it out out has helped me tremendously…getting it out of my head has helped put it in perspective…
I hope if any one stumbles across this blog and reads about my experiences it helps them to know they are not alone. There really are hundreds of thousands of us out there…I see you, I hear you and I feel your pain!
It does get better! One day, just like me you will wake up and have such clarity and everything will just make more sense. You will no longer have the desire to explain yourself, your choices, you beliefs, the way you live your life…you will simply just be you.
You will find self respect, self love and self validation. You will find the path that works for you and you will no longer give 2 shits who agrees and who don’t! They didn’t walk your path, you did! They do not understand the things you went through…many people choose to believe lies and live in a web of deceit…they are never able to understand a different perspective or point of view…they stay emotionally and intellectually stunted out of fear…fear of the unknown…they live in a box that they have been conditioned to believe is the the right way…and they think everyone should live in the box with them!
Those that are able to escape the box are labeled as rebellious, lost, sad, miserable, off course, back slidden and a myriad of other words.
For years that bothered me because I knew better…I spent so much time trying to explain myself to people…
I’m done now…done explaining, trying to be accepted, liked, I will no longer tolerate games from people…or their manipulation.
I am grateful for what I went through because had it not happened, I would still be in the same messed up, jacked up, fear mongering, controlling environment I was in. I would be unhappy and trying to be someone I was never meant to be…I would still be listening to people tell me growing herbs was sinful…I would still be stunted in my growth as a person.
Today, I am proud to say I am out of that mess…I know the universe had my back and made a way for me to get out. Yes, it hurt..I genuinely loved those people…but they didn’t love me even though that was the foundation of their so-called beliefs…
I am happier now than I’ve ever been. It’s not been easy…I’ve learned about all the lies & half truths I was taught…I’ve had to deconstruct my entire belief system over the past 12 years…. I had no idea who I was outside the belief system that dictated who I was and should be… it is absolutely no easy task…it’s devastating when you learn your entire life was a lie!
It’s been difficult to learn that something you held so sacred was twisted, mangled and construed in such a way just to control the masses. Brainwashing at its finest.
I have found a more peaceful way…a way that really is more conducive to who I am and who I want to be. I can’t ask for more…I really can’t! Today, I am growing, learning and still discovering who I am, but I think we do that our whole life…it’s not something that happens, it’s something we make happen through shadow work, self exploration and spending a great deal of time in solitude working on ourself and admitting our short comings and working to be better.
You will always have people in your life that will tell you your way is wrong…that’s ok…that’s not for them to decide…you will always have people that don’t understand and will not try to understand…you will always have people try and manipulate you using fear tactics with threats of damnation…again…that’s not for them to decide…people like this are not self aware…they have been conditioned to believe like the environment they are in. Self awareness in many sects is considered sinful…they think like the herd because that’s what’s right in their mind. Herd mentality has killed many, many people throughout the history of mankind.
It’s ok to be different than those around you..embrace your differences, love your quirks, find your path and walk it, live it, and proudly embrace it! We only get one life…and it’s very short…don’t waste it by allowing others to dictate who you should to be! Don’t be someone your not out of fear, wanting to be accepted or seeking validation. You will find those things within yourself. When you are on the right path you will find your people and your people will find you! Be who the universe created you to be! You are special, you matter and humanity needs you and your gifts!
Until next time…
Love & Light
THL
No comments:
Post a Comment