I can’t honestly tell you when it all started, I’m going say about a year prior to our departure. Looking back it’s when I began to discern something was off.
I had grown so much in my faith that final year. I was in a really good place yet couldn’t shake this feeling that something wasn’t quite right. It seemed to revolve around a certain 2 people. 1 my aunt(my moms sister) and another lady that I’ll call Jean who was close friends with my aunt. I trusted my aunt and looked to her as a sort of mentor, someone I respected to give advice, pray for me and mentors me on my walk. She had been a Christian her entire life.
We had a young couple at our church whom I’ll call Mike and Mary. They were on fire for god. Everyone loved them, rallied around them and their children. But I didn’t quite see things the same way. Something felt off to me. I never got super close with this young couple. I did know that they too had dealt with problem involving Jean.
Jean was a church hopper by all accounts she had openly admitted to being kicked from other churches due to her kids behavior some of which included her one son molesting a 4 year old at a day Jean ran.
It seems Jean had an issue with people that came to close to the truth about things going on behind closed doors.
She would began to spread rumors about those she felt were to close to the truth. Although I never got close to Jean she apparently had a major issue with me…I think she knew I saw through the facade. And my aunt shared conversations and things with Jean that her and I had talked about. Jean was able to use that information to her advantage but twisting things to fit her agenda.
Anyway to try and condense this a bit I had called my aunt to ask advice about a situation with Mike at church. It wasn’t anything horribly bad but when you have discernment/intuition, we’ll suffice to say you are able to discern things. I was struggling so I confided in my aunt and was hoping for advice. I was told maybe I should talk to the Pastor and he could fill me in on things about this young couple Mike and Mary. Well, I felt at that point it would be “gossipy” and I didn’t want to do that.
So I let it go and figured god would work it out. What I didn’t know at the time is my aunt called the pastor and told him about conversation that was meant to be private…then she called Jean to tell her…I believe this is where it all started to go terribly wrong.
I began to notice subtle changes, nothing I could quite put my finger on, but there was a nagging in heart, my spirit if you will. I blew it off and figured I was being paranoid or silly.
Fast forward to about 6 months after this, it was around September 2013 I felt someone staring at me from behind one Sunday night at church. I turned my head and there sit Jean off to left about 4 pews back staring at me and what appeared to be chanting something…I awkwardly smiled, turned back around and scooted closer to my husband. At that point I knew something was definitely off. On the drive home I told my husband about it and he kinda dismissed my concerns and said she was probably praying for me…but for what? It just felt so off but again I let it go thinking it was “just me”…I would later learn I had been the topic of many conversations amongst certain church members and was later even told certain ones had held “meetings” in their home to talk about me.
It was our Sunday potluck and I sat at a table with my husband, soon Mary and a few others would join us at our table. We were having good light hearted conversation and some laughs…all perfectly innocent.
As things were winding down and people going home Jean came up to me and ask are you coming to the harvest festival we are having in early October….I responded with No as my answer and you would’ve have thought I pulled a gun judging from the look on her face. Lol…let me give a short backstory here to make this make sense.
This particular pastor for many years of my church life(he had been my pastor since I 15 yrs old, he started at my original home church then moved) had always taught Halloween was evil and churches should not ever participate. Even calling it by a different name such as trunk or treat was just trying to make evil look more appealing. So I was genuinely confused as to why the Pastor suddenly decided to participate.
I was trying to follow what I thought god said was right…
A few minutes later Mary took me aside ask me if I would explain why we weren’t attending the harvest party. So I explained how the Pastor for years, had said it was wrong and cited the scripture he always had about abstaining from all appearances of evil…she said it made perfect sense but it was just hot dog roast and chili etc…I stood my ground and told her no judgement at all it was just something my husband and I weren’t comfortable with and left it at that. No meanness or judgment in my tone as I really felt “to each their own”.
The next Sunday morning the sermon was about being self righteous and so much so a woman in the church wasn’t going to attend the hot dog roast! I was frozen in my seat. I was fighting back tears, the lump in my throat I thought was going to suffocate me…I’m not sure how long service was that day but it seemed like hours. Not even sure I was breathing through it…I felt humiliated, hurt, angry, confused, and belittled and betrayed!
When it was finally over my pastors wife hugged me and I said “I hope you take that the way it was intended”…I fought back tears and said I wish no one had ask me if I was going and I walked out. I cried all the way home in shock and confused at what had just happened.
The next few days are kind of a blur…I went over the conversation in my head that I had, had with Mary…it was innocent, I simply answered a question…I began to understand why I felt that something was off…but still wasn’t sure what.
The following Thursday I decided to call my Pastors wife and try to understand what had happened. I called, she answered and I ask her why the pastor preached that sermon..she said I needed to talk to him. I said I’d rather talk with her. Wrong thing to say again it taken as something so crazy to this day I don’t get how all this got so blown up….
Let me explain why I didn’t want to speak with the pastor. I came from an abusive home. My dad(rest his soul) was very abusive and we were not allowed to question anything, if we did it did not turn out good for us kids. My dad was very authoritarian in his parenting so I grew up being afraid to talk to a man in authority about important issues. I was scared.
Anyway, the pastors wife handed the phone to him and he was immediately abrupt in his hello with me…anger was in his voice…I finally got the courage to ask why he had preached that sermon on Sunday and he exploded! Told me he didn’t answer to me, he answered to god…he knew who I was and what I was…I literally forgot most of what else he said as I just felt my heart fall…he began quoting things from conversations I had, had with friends in the church…one about a pair of 5 inch heels I had said my daughter couldn’t wear to church…a couple from our church was over for dinner and we were laughing and being silly about these very high heels …he told me I had no right to tell my daughter she couldn’t wear those to church…WHAT? This is a man who didn’t allow his wife or daughter to wear pants or cut their hair? I started crying and tried to ask what he was talking about and he said you know what I’m talking about…the truth is, no I didn’t…to this day I still do not know exactly what prompted all of this…I have speculation. At then of the end of the conversation I told him he had no worries I would not be back…my husband had heard him screaming at him from across the room…I was devastated…I was in shock…my whole world had fallen apart in less than 5 minutes….and I had no idea why…
I’ll finish this with a part 2…
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