Hope is all we have

 

I’m beginning to wonder if this feeling of dread and doom will ever end. I’m trying to be positive and look at the best case scenario but it’s not working. I wake in the night with all this on my mind, I’m having nightmares and struggling to eat. I have never felt like this. I keep trying to figure out how and why but answers elude me. Do we try and sell this little farm we’ve worked so hard to build and leave or do we just stay and prepare for the worst?…

I’m a very intuitive person and my intuition is in overdrive right now..the things I’m feeling that we will go through is more than I wanna know…higher inflation than now, high gas prices, high unemployment, another possible pandemic…it’s just a lot. I hope I’m wrong!

I’m trying to stay busy and not think but it’s always there, in the back of mind…this feeling of unrest, sadness, doom, dread and anxiety…it’s exhausting…I’m struggling to find my center, my balance, my footing. I just want to understand..

People, friends & family that I deeply cared for…I feel betrayed…how can a family member vote against their own flesh and blood to not have equal rights? It’s betrayal at the deepest level. Why does everyone care so much how other people live or love? I just don’t understand. I want to, I really want to..but I’m struggling.

I’m so tired…I feel isolation is my only option right now…just communicate with my immediate family that is on the same page…those that aren’t..I really just don’t have it in me to communicate with them. 

I just wish we could turn back time…a time when we had hope and everyone got along…I’m afraid that time is gone forever…at least for the rest of my life. It’s a time of grieving I suppose…the sadness will at some point turn back to happiness, the melancholy will give way to joy, and the tears will cleanse the way to smiles again…at least that’s my hope… hope is really all we have I guess.

Right now hope is what is keeping me going, hope is what motivates me to get out of bed this past week and a half…it’s what I’m clinging too…I’m holding onto hope for dear life…hope that this is really all a bad dream or huge mistake..the hope that it will somehow be just a big joke…I hope for anything other than this being reality.

I watch my oldest daughter struggle to make sense of the fact that this is the world we’re really living in, I’m watching my grand daughter wonder why she’s not allowed to have equal rights to life, love and pursuit of happiness…at 20 she’s wondering what will happen to her and how in the hell some in her own family voted against her rights…my oldest granddaughter is putting off having another baby because she’s scared what could happen if something went wrong with her pregnancy…could she get the care she needed?…this is just surreal to me…I feel like this is not real life! It just can’t be! 

Sigh..but it is real life…and I’m really struggling…if you are as well, I understand…stay strong, stay vigilant and stay watchful. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best!

Until next time…

Stay hopeful!