I walk alone

My path and my journey they are my own

I live it and walk it all alone….

Mine is not yours and yours is not mine

I hope you can accept that with a bit time….

We are all unique in our very own way 

Special and different we are not the same…. 

My path is not easy, seems harder every day

You insist my path should be your way…. 

You tell me I’m wrong yet can’t tell me why

Yet tell I’m going to burn in hell when I die….

My heart hurts from the words that cut painfully deep

From my eyes tears fall my pain does weep…..

The hatred you spew from parted lips do you speak 

The people you cut with words left open to bleed….

Minds shut to understanding, hearts closed to love

Yet you speak and preach of the loving god above….

You seem to not care the horrific pain on others you inflict 

You are oblivious to your own confusion, self lies and conflict….

You judge and demonize those different than you

Yet saying you love all, yet I only see a few….

You love those that follow the way you say is right

And fight those unlike you with all of your might….

You worry about mothers taking unborn lives

Yet you are killing the living with your belief in lies…. 

You kill and condemn with your bible in your hand 

All because someone lives different in our supposed free land….

Freedom means everyone is making the same choices as you

Pounding fist from the pulpit with amens from the pew….

Freedom for to all is to live as they see fit 

Not to live by your rules preached from the pulpit…. 

The relationship is personal I hear them all say

But can’t help but tell you about it day after day….

I just wish they could leave everyone just be

Not everyone wants Christia-nity….

I respect your choices and beliefs that you hold 

But the way you treat others leaves my blood running cold….

You judge and you hate and at every turn condemn

Yet say you are filled with something holy and will pray for them….

Live and let live is the choice that I make 

For it is the right way and the path that I take….

I will not push my personal beliefs upon you 

I will refuse to act self righteous the way that you do….

I understand we are all beautiful in our right

And some are as different as day is to night….

We each have a path and journey of our own

It is for each of us to travel ourselves alone…

Written by me The homestead lady

My heart is heavy

 It’s a gorgeous autumn morning here on the homestead. I’m sitting on my swing enjoying the quiet. I hear the

birds chirping and the occasionally rooster crow. My heart is heavy this morning…

I read something a bit ago that really disturbed my soul. I won’t get into it as the person that posted it is so deep into their belief no amount of talking would sway the belief…but it literally brought me to tears.

Without getting into it all I just want to talk about acceptance…

As I sit here under the trees on my swing I look up and see 3 different kinds of trees…Oak, cherry and hickory…they are all living close to one another all providing shade and homes for wild critters…the oak is not telling the hickory you need to change and be like me because I’m a mighty oak tree and provide acorns…and the hickory is not telling the cherry tree you need to be like me because I provide hickory nuts and the cherry tree is not telling the nut trees they they need to be like her…nope! They just stand tall, proud and beautiful waving their limbs and leaves and being who they are, providing and doin the job they are intended to do…they have stood in these positions many, many years just being who and what they are, side by side, limbs branching out touching one another communicating in their own tree like way…and accepting each for what they are.

My focus turns to my chickens across the yard…I have several varieties of chickens…I watch them for a bit and notice they are just happy…they walk around pecking the ground looking for bugs, pieces of food or grass…the cinnamon queen stands next to the bielefelder and the araucana…they are not telling each other they should be different because one is better…they don’t spend their time bickering about which way is better…one isn’t saying my brown eggs are better than your green eggs or I lay more eggs than you so you should to try and change and be more like me! Nope! They understand their place and who they are. They understand they are different yet needed.

The trees don’t tell the sun to be less bright or the moon to be brighter…the trees don’t don’t tell the ground to grow more or less grass…

Nature is in harmony with itself…nature accepts each and every aspect of itself and respects it. Nature understand it needs all the differences to be effective and efficient.

Humans are quite the contrary…always telling each other how to be, why it’s wrong to be like you are, how you can be different…telling some you are not normal, you are bad, you are disgusting and whatever other derogatory words they can come up with. 

This hurts my heart on such a deep level. I have friends, family,and acquaintances that are gay, lesbian, bi…I have friends that are Christian and non Christian and somewhere in between…

I have friends in cities, towns and on homesteads/farms!

I have friends who have been in jail for minor offenses and some that have stood behind the pulpit!

Guess what! I love and accept them all! I don’t feel it my place nor necessary to demean, demoralize, or make it my job to tell them what horrible people they are and they need Jesus! Ugh! Literally makes me cry!

These people, the outcast, the different ones, the ones society always wants to change…these people have been better to me than any Christian ever has! They are there when I need them without judgement or trying to change me.

When I try to be friends with Christians the judgment is strong…you can feel it…it’s heavy on them…I read them like a book with big bold letters…they wear their condemnation of others like a Scarlett letter! Oh! They try to act all nice and kind, but I see through it…I do not trust them. Open up to them and you will see them for what they are! They begin offering to tell you how Jesus changed them, how Jesus changed this one or that one, they offer up prayers and begin a throwing scripture out to support their view…they eventually get around to the topic of hell and who all gonna go there! All are self righteous full of hate for anyone they don’t understand. The old “people will let you down but keep your eye on Jesus” ones are the worse! Jesus died years ago…ain’t no way to keep my eye on him cause he ain’t here…LOL.

And yes, I guess you can say I’m judging them…I only say these things because I spent 46 years just like them. I am very versed in how they think and believe. It’s taken me years to deconstruct from the brainwashing. I’m still deconstructing. It’s hard being surrounded from all sides by them though. I feel I don’t have a voice amongst them. It’s so hard!

They believe everything is evil and out to destroy their faith..gay people want everyone to be gay and there are secret messages in movies, books and the world in general. Everyone that isn’t a believer is going to burn forever in some hell! It seems everything can send you there! Yet they have no idea that hell is a relatively new concept created by man!

They are oblivious to science and medical proof of anything. It’s truly mind boggling.

My heart literally hurts and I cried this morning reading what the person posted. The agenda is strong. It’s sickening. 

I will always love my fellow man…gay, straight, Buddhist, Wiccan, or witch…if you have a past that’s ok..I won’t tell you, you need Jesus…know why? Because people need a friend. A real life in the flesh friend that they can call and talk to and be treated with decency and respect! I will not offer up prayers that will not help you, I will not quote scripture(though I could), I will just be your friend! I won’t make you feel bad for using adult language, I will not be offended if you drink alcohol or smoke pot…I will simply be your friend. I will be the friend I have always hoped to have…but yet to find!

My heart is heavy today…the hatred I see is overwhelming…I am so very angry…angry at the people that use religion to suppress others…I get mad at myself for allowing these things to bother me so much…I really dislike my sensitivity sometimes…I feel like certain people play with my emotions on purpose and then say it’s God…God, in the way they see it does not exist…he’s man made.

Now, if you are breaking laws of the land we have a problem…if you are a thief, rapist, child molestor, wife beater, meth head or any other thing that goes against the law I will not and do not condone that! 

We have no right to impede on others peoples rights…period! 

Unfortunately in today’s messed up society certain groups feel they have that right based on their agenda and beliefs. 

I just ask, why can’t people just let others be? Leave them alone…quit telling people they are wrong for being who they are…why do you care? Control? Control is always the main agenda…people fear what they don’t understand and to harness that fear, they find ways to control….I feel sorry for you all…I have deep pity for the ignorance…sigh…try to do better!

My heart is so very heavy today…

Until next time..

Thl

That would be my hope

I had a dream last night that was disturbing and I can’t quite shake the sadness I feel this morning…

I dreamt I was in an area with lots of people, the landscape was wooded with a small town but lots of traffic. There was tension rising for the longest time…then all hell broke loose…families turned on each other, friends turned on each other…there was fighting and people throwing stones at one another, people beating each other with sticks…name calling, blaming each other for the troubles, just all manner a chaos. People were beaten and bloody in the streets…there was an energy of hopelessness that permeated the air… I was not involved, it was as if I was able to stand by and just observe…But I was concerned most for the children…the children were terrified watching their parents act this way and a few joined in hurting other children…I look around for a way out, a place of refuge…in the distance, amongst the trees, I saw a place of safety, underground…I was directed there by my intuition, I grabbed some children on my way…when we got there it was clear…no trees, no people, no chaos…. I lifted the dirt covered door and it reminded me of a laundry shoot going down..we all began to pile inside but got stuck and couldn’t go any further…eventually we managed to untangle ourself and get to the safe place…underground was a huge room that was concrete. There were shelves lined with home canned food and other items. Children were playing with toys and giggling while the few women were working on canning items they had. They were doing dishes and some older teenage girls were caring for the younger children. It was so peaceful and you just knew in your soul you were safe.

Bullying, hatefulness nor unkindness was not permitted. If you exhibited those behaviors you were removed from the safe room. 

I have always been one that has been able to interpret dreams, at least my own and sometimes others.

This dream was so accurate to what I’ve been feeling lately.

I do feel as though the landscape of life is changing, but not for better, at least yet. I believe we are at the precipice of absolute and utter chaos…and no one can see it…they are to busy in useless projects…and blaming each other to be able to see their role in it all.

 I think the trees represent road blocks that hinder us from finding our place refuge…I think the road blocks represent political, religion, social media, people we allow in our life…it could be literally anything that hinders our ability to find and maintain peace…

The fighting all around us, literally our life right now…I personally feel I struggle to escape it..my extended family all hold different views than I do and I often feel like I am on the outside looking in with no where to hide. I worry about what children are hearing and seeing from these adults. They are being subtly brainwashed into the same bullshit that their parents believe. 

I found peace amongst the trees, remember the trees represented upheaval …I think this represents finding solace in the chaos and  finally seeing all this for what it is and listening to myself to escape it all…I took some children with me to safety…I often say children live what they see…bullying is horrible right now and it’s because children see it in the home. They see parents calling other parents derogatory names when they have a disagreement, they hear threats of violence…I always feel like someone needs to save the children…children growing up with threats of going to hell if they don’t toe the line and become obedient little soldiers.

Once in our safe place it was wonderful..there was no room for anything hateful, mean or unkind. We were warm fed and accepted. One thing that stood out was the group was very small…I feel that is a very telling…there really are very few truly kind people in the world..they pretend…they are manipulative and liars…they have a motive of some sort …most don’t see it. They post their memes on social media thinking they are showing the world how great they are, yet they never see the division they are causing…I am so grateful I have been given the gift of insight and discernment. I see through it all!

I mentioned getting stuck going down..I really think that speaks to how I and others have felt in life when trying to untangle our belief system and untangle from the beliefs and people that keep us knotted up inside for years…and then eventually we are able to free ourselves and find peace outside the mainstream of society…I think it could also represent how I feel about social media…you get tangled up and it’s hard to get away even though it is detrimental to your mental and emotional health…I often feel stuck as I know others do in this chaos we are living in…it feels as if there is no way out and no place to escape the anger, manipulation, hatefulness, for me personally someone is always wanting to “save me”. They believe I am lost and need saving! I appreciate the sentiment but I’m good…really, I am!

Going underground for safety…honestly it’s how I feel sometimes…and I know many others do as well…we feel as though trying to be authentic to who we are, what we believe or don’t believe must be kept secret from those that are Christians or different from ourselves. The judgement, proselytizing, unkindness is awful…we feel almost threatened daily…sadly what’s really going on is lost on so many. It’s frustrating trying to live in such an environment. 

My dream was telling…it truly does represent the state of our society…of so many people trying just live life as they see fit in a society we thought was free. Free to believe, love, make personal choices and be who you are without threat or fear. 

I have to wonder if those low vibrational people will be left to their own devices, to fight it out, to live a life similar to that of hand maids tale while those vibrating at a higher frequency will move on into a place of love and acceptance…far removed from the confines of control. Controlling how others choose to live and be and simply just are.

That would be my hope…

THL

This simple life

Life on our homestead is simple, slow paced(usually) and just so peaceful. It is where I find my center and solace from the hustle and bustle of every day life. There’s something notalgic about gathering eggs, feeding chickens and milking goats just just does my heart good. Baking and cooking from scratch seems to remind me of a time long lost to my generation. Gardening brings me great joy watching a seed come to fruition and feed my family when that seed matures into a plant producing food…canning what I grow or raise is such great satisfaction knowing I can feed my family through a hard winter or if circumstances ever call for it…

It is a way of life that one can’t describe adequately in words. It’s not easy but so satisfying. We’ve been living this life for almost 25 years. We left the suburbs for a simpler, quieter and more sustainable lifestyle. We have been through quite a lot over the years, but we always persevered and have built our little farm from the ground up. We started with nothing except dirt, rocks and trees! 

It’s taken us years to build what we have and we are extremely proud of it. So much has changed over the years…we have changed over the years. But the one thing that has never changed is our love for this way of life. 

So many life lessons can be learned through this way life…the connection to nature is so strong…you begin to realize how we are all interconnected with nature…I feel

at home when I’m in my garden. I can’t necessarily put it into words but there’s peace I have never felt anywhere else. There is no denying I am in my element as they say when I’m in my garden. 

I’m sad the gardening season has ended but I also understand the cycles of nature and that the mother needs time to rest from her long season of renewal and growth. She needs time to be still.

Just as Mother Earth needs time to be still, so do we…we need a period of rest from the busyness of the productive season. Fall is a time to put up all that you gathered through the spring and summer…winter is a time of slumber…we will rest and be strong for the spring time for the cycle to continue.

There is much to be learned from our ancestors in living by the seasons…each season offers much wisdom to be applied to our lives…to help us grow as humans…

Much of this wisdom has been lost and replaced with a completely different mentality…I fear what will come of the younger generations. 

Rather than connected to nature, they are connected to phones, video games, social media..adults are no different…And I hate to admit it, I am the same…I am working on getting away from social media as far as personally…business wise it is a must at this time. I am not good with all the garbage on social media and it’s frustrating to see the bullying, hate, meanness and misunderstandings you see daily…it literally destroys your peace!

I have turned my focus back to my homestead where my peace is…where I find my balance, my center…where I am not misunderstood. This is my escape from all the noise. 

Our farm animals are my refuge. They give me such joy watching them. The chickens are graceful and beautiful

to watch, the goats are so animated and such soulful animals. I absolutely adore them…we have rabbits but I did not get pictures…next time I will.

I forage our land for edible wild food and medicinal herbs. We have so much here I have been surprised by the amount of edibles and medicinals we have on the acreage. We were led here by the universe for a purpose. We try to fulfil that purpose daily.

I will be spending my time canning and making “medicine” this next few weeks. Thanking the universe for the abundance we have been blessed with!

Until next time,

Peace and love,

THL

We are one

Sitting outside staring out across our little farm I begin to think about the earth and how we are connected. Then I remember not long ago seeing a Facebook post about the “green movement” and how stupid it was from someone that identified as Christian. Here are my thoughts that followed.

If you subscribe to Christianity then you know the “In the beginning” story line…

God(the father) formed man from clay from the earth and breathed life in to him. What’s interesting here is the earth would be the mother…Mother Earth. So Father(god) and Mother(earth) came together and created life(children). 

I ask myself what does a mother do? She nurtures, she takes a house and makes a home, she creates nutritious meals, she takes care of her sick children and provides medicine if needed, she is a place of rest and love. She exudes warmth and caring for her offspring. She is giving and rarely complains how tired she is, she takes care of others even in the face of her own pain…she knows she can’t quit, her children need her.

So I began to think about Mother Earth…she brought forth life, she has provided shelter to her children since the dawn of time, she has provided food, medicine, warmth, she has loved her children with all these things. She has given to us for 1000’s perhaps millions of years. She on occasion gets angry and we are hit with tornadoes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters…kinda like the human mom that goes on a tangent once in awhile when her children make mess after mess…

When I think of this in human terms and ask how many of us would take advantage of our earthly mother. How many would constantly take and take and take from her? How many would expect her to continue to provide everything we need when we never give back? Would we not learn the lessons from her angry outbursts and try to do better to not take advantage of her love and kindness? 

We are a mere extension of god(source, universe) and Mother Earth…to not respect either one is tragic. Christian’s have no issue with crediting god for mankind’s existence yet forget that Mother Earth birthed them and has continued to provide for them throughout the ages.

They bully, make fun of and have no understanding of how or why some of us feel very strongly about our planet, this place we inhabit called home. She is our mother…without her we perish. She is where we came from. It is no accident that humans and the earth share many of the same minerals…because we part of her…she is part of us….we must take care of our earth our mother…without her we cannot be…

Before making fun of people that wish to protect this earth look at how fiercely you defend your god? Why are you so much better? You don’t see many in the “green” movement as you call it making fun of you. You are not superior nor is anyone that believes differently than you.

We cannot continue to use and abuse this planet, our Mother earth and expect her to continue on in any sustainable manner…no more than you could use and abuse your earthly mother and expect her to continue on taking care of you. Eventually she will succumb to the abuse & neglect. 

We have to have respect. I am not part of any “green” movement but I am part of this planet and I respect her. I do use not abuse her. I am mindful when I forage about how much I take, I try to give back by planting herbs, trees and flowers. If we need to clear land we clear only what is needed to sustain us. Most of our acreage is wooded. We do not clear more than needed. We believe in balance in all things. 

I give thanks to our mother for all she gives just like I thank the universe for all it gives. 

Let’s all just do better at respecting others different from you. Maybe if you took the time to listen to those different than you, you would learn something. Would your Christ make fun of someone different? If so that’s not a diety I would want to follow. Christ I have no issue with…it’s the folks that call themselves Christ followers yet show no love nor respect for those different than themselves. 

We just need to do better and be better! 

Just respect others and the beliefs they hold. Some people are just really sensitive souls that understand the world we live in on a very deep level. They/we understand we are not separate from our mother or the universe, they both created human life and both deserve our utmost respect…to make fun of or bully someone different than you is to bully your “brother or sister”. We are all one with each other and the planet! Do better!

Until next time

THL

Now that I have reintroduced myself and explained why I no longer choose to be Christian let’s move on, shall we?!

Our life here on our homestead is one of peace and quiet. We live simply and choose quiet over chaos. We enjoy our  rural life and can’t imagine life any other way. We believe in living as close to nature as we can. I would say myself more-so than my husband. I adore nature and the beauty it holds. 

So many lessons to be learned. The seasons are changing and I sit outside in the morning with my coffe and just admire our little farm. I have been watching the leaves change from brilliant green to shades of amber, orange and brown…the flowers of summer have quickly given way to beautiful foliage of burgundy, golds, and rust colors. Part of me feels sad to see summer go…autumn is a time of letting go in order for Mother Earth to slumber for a time before being renewed in the spring…each year at this time I reflect on what it is I need to let go of…I find it a more suitable time to reassess my life rather than in the new year. I spend time in solitude thinking over what I need to change and let go of…be it a person or persons, an attitude, a belief, or just simply anything that hinders my growth as a human. This past year I have found myself noticing how much hatred and meanness surrounds us all. It’s been difficult for me on social media.  I decided to leave social media at least for a bit, maybe permanently just so I could breathe a bit. It’s difficult to be the odd man/woman out in your circle…it’s hard to feel like you can’t express yourself when everyone around you feels the opposite…it’s hard to grow as an individual when everyone around you has group think mentality  and you know very few around you are not group thinkers. I am blessed to not be a group thinker. I never have been, not even as a small child, I was always different. A friend of mine not long ago during a conversation said to me “you’ve always been different huh? I chuckled and said I guess that’s a nice way to say it…lol…she explained I was unique and it was good…it felt nice to not be looked down for being different. 

I don’t call myself that in a prideful way, it’s made my life hard in lots of ways. I’ve always said if I could just be like others maybe life would be easier. If I could just not question every thing and go with the herd my life would be easier. I enjoy being alone and being by myself because it’s easier than trying to pretend to be like majority. I see to much, I sense to much…and I will call bullshit where I see it…that’s hard for most people. I have been called mean, not nice, rude, to honest, and a myriad of other names…so over the years I just found solitude is far easier. People are comfortable in their group think…I am not! I am always seeking knowledge, understanding and wisdom. I am not a status quo kinda gal. 

So this autumn I am letting go of social media at least for a while until I can regroup, I am going to work on not thinking I need to correct everyone that spreads false information about things online…if it makes them happy to be ignorant so be it! It’s sad but I have heard said ignorance is bliss…maybe that’s how they find their personal peace🤷‍♀️I prefer to understand the world around me and face hard truth that others find difficult to accept…

So as the season changes so will I…I will work on my own shadows and be less concerned with others. It’s hard! 

If you too are struggling with the hostile, less than truthful, gotta be like me, groupthink mentality environment in today’s world know you’re not alone…there are those out there that understand! We feel your suffering! But I also know good will win over evil every single time! Things are changing…people are starting to see things for what they are…we are being elevated and our understanding is getting clearer…the universe is setting aside people for a higher calling, a higher purpose. 

It’s hard..but continue to live mindful, watchful and stay away from the toxic people and toxic discussions we see daily. Do not argue with people intent on misunderstanding you, pushing their agenda, or telling you, you must believe like them in order to be happy, peaceful and fulfilled. Embrace who you are and love who you are! The universe has our backs! 

Until next time..Love & Light

THL

Why we left -pt.2

After trying to talk with the pastor I was left stunned, shocked and absolutely devastated. I seriously had no idea what had prompted such an angry response.

Later that evening his son, the associate pastor called me and acted as if he had no clue what had happened..he said “the lord” laid it on his heart to call…yeah right…this situation was being talked about amongst the church members…I was devastated…I could not stop crying, I couldn’t figure it out and it really felt as if I was going to suffocate from hurt. 

When I ask the associate pastor what I had done his response was sister you need to pray about and god will show you. I told him I had prayed and there was nothing…his response was “you didn’t pray right”…another blow and gaslighting at its finest!

After a few weeks I gave up trying to talk to anyone because no one was forthcoming in exactly what I had done. I finally realized I don’t think I did anything and that’s why no one knew. One lady along with my aunt gossiped and that’s where it started.

Fast forward- it took me from 2013-2020 to really let all that go. No longer feel the hurt, the pain and to quit asking why. 

I have been able to move on study and find my own path. Through my studies I found so many lies I was told all my life. I found the Bible to have many contradictions and when looking into history has been changed many times. I was finally able to let go and move on. It’s not been easy….for years I was terrified of going to hell…afraid I had done something horrific that I didn’t understand.  To do this to a person is absolutely abusive. 

I went to therapy but I was only told to find a good church…LOL….they had no clue about RTS , religious trauma syndrome. It was almost like being tramatized all over again. If I would just find a good church all would be ok…not quite that simple. People that go through what I did, do not need church. We need understanding…we don’t need to hear about your experience, how good god is, how god brought you from the firey pits of hell and delivered you! We know all this…we no longer want to participate. 

When a person goes through spiritual trauma it’s the hardest thing in the world to get through. I lost my sense of identity, who I was. My identity was tied up in church, what I believed, in god…I lost long time friends, family, my routine and schedule was thrown off…my entire life was turned upset side down. You don’t get over that in a day, a month or even a year. There are still days I question why.

Over the years of deep study of Christianity I have realized it’s just not what I believe. To many unanswered questions, to many contradictory things, Christian’s themselves are hateful and mean. They have canned generic answers for every question. If they can’t give you an answer they will begin telling you how they were saved and that’s all you need and become very condescending. They don’t get how a person that really followed god/jesus for years could really walk away. They say you weren’t really saved…how prideful is that to judge another’s salvation…I can tell you with complete certainly I was “saved” and chose to walk away from the faith…if you walk into god grace you can certainly walk out. 

They idolize people, they support things and people that is absolutely against everything Jesus Christ stood for. I don’t get it! They talk out of both sides of their mouth. We don’t believe in adultry , lieing, stealing etc. yet support and endorse people that do all these things and many more…make it make sense. They make excuses that they really don’t support these people but what they stand for! lol…talk about bullshit and ways to twist and tangle up your beliefs to make it make sense in your own head. It’s unbelievable! They stand for blatant sin! They do the very things being taught is wrong! Crazy!

They scream freedom for all, but what they really mean is freedom for all who are Christian’s. 

It took me years to see all this garbage. It angers me…it really does. I still struggle with being preached at or proselytizing. When I see a person/people supporting, aiding and abetting criminals that want to tell me about god and Jesus…lol…take that elsewhere because you clearly aren’t for real. 

Today, I am good! I am happy, content and peaceful. I don’t have a particular belief really. I believe there is a force larger than us, I call it the universe. I believe we can all become enlightened when we let go of all the crap we have been taught and begin at the beginning. I believe people are born blank slates and brainwashing starts early in life in the religious world. It’s terribly sad because there far more peaceful ways to live. I don’t believe in hell where you burn for all eternity. History shows hell was added into the Christian faith as a means of control. I believe that while there is evil in the world, people are mostly good. I believe in loving who you love, be who you are and live life to the fullest. We all have the right to choose our belief system…be a Christian, a Buddhist, be a witch, be whatever path you drawn to…but you do not have the right to tell others to be the same. 

I think the final thing that convinced me to leave the faith was this scripture 

Roman 6-18 years Therefore he has mercy on whom he wills, and whom he will he hardens.  

No matter how much you pray, no matter how right you live according to biblical standard, god can choose at will whether he has mercy on you or you not. So it could all be in vain. This is predestination and you have no free will according to this verse. A horrible human could receive mercy yet a wonderful, loving, Jesus follower could be hardened…yeah, that don’t sit right with me! 

So anyway, that’s an extremely condensed version of my journey to leaving the faith. You can find other details in some of my other post. Look to the right and you see a list of months. I started this blog in 2016 after my dad passed. You can start with December 2016 and read forward. It kinda fills in the blanks a bit.

Toxic Christianity

I see toxic Christians every day on social media. Constantly posting things to cause more division. I ask myself, do they not understand what they doing or do they love the attention the receive? Toxic Christians will manipulate the truth, they use guilt, intimidation and will say, do and post things on social media as emotional appeals. I dealt with toxic Christians for years, I see them a mile away no matter how they try and twist what they say and do! 

When Christianity Becomes Toxic ‘Christianism’

 By David Gushee

Many people appear baffled about the hard-right turn in U.S. conservative religion.

It’s not just a turn to politics, or to hard-right politics, that is problematic. It is the apparent amorality, the cruelty, bigotry and snarling spirit that is so impossible to reconcile with the Spirit of Christ.

It’s the nasty cast of characters who are most associated with “Christians” in politics today, including (just for a start, the list is endless) the rogue’s gallery of Florida Republican Congressman Matt Gaetz, Georgia Republican Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, Colorado Republican Congresswoman Lauren Boebert, Pennsylvania Republican gubernatorial candidate and election-denier Doug Mastriano, the supposedly newly converted Trump dirty trickster/pardoned criminal Roger Stone, and of course Donald J. Trump his very own self.

It’s the way the crowds at the rallies of these people eat up the toxic red meat these figures throw to them. Christians used to be the victims in the Roman Colosseum. These “Christians” are more like the Roman leaders and their debased crowds, baying for blood.

“These ‘Christians’ are more like the Roman leaders and their debased crowds, baying for blood.”

The debasement of U.S. right-wing Christianity is only baffling to those who have been exposed to a different understanding of what being a Christian is supposed to be about. You know, old-timers like me, who walked uninvited into a Southern Baptist church building in 1978 looking for something I did not know how to name, but whose name turned out to be Jesus Christ.

Over a four-day conversion experience, I learned enough from and through devout Christian people to be led into an encounter with Jesus himself. I was exposed to people whose demeanor was gentle, whose speech was clean and kind, whose integrity turned out to be rock solid, whose moral plumbline was the instruction offered in the New Testament, whose life purpose was to follow Jesus, and whose mission was to share the gospel with others. These were the people who led me to faith in Christ and who discipled me at the early stages of my walk with Jesus. They were not perfect. But they were recognizably and seriously Christian.

There were other versions of old-time, pre-Trump Christianity that I might not have liked as much but that were still very different from the cancerous thing that is spreading among white conservative Christians in America today. I was exposed to these other varieties as well. There was the smart, humane, post-Vatican II Catholicism in which I was raised, the charismatic Anglicanism of a girl I dated, the earnest social-service mainline Methodism of some friends of my parents, the doctrinaire Lutheranism of a few folks I knew, the passionate Black church faith of some of my friends from school.

Even the handful of proto-Christian Right types I met at my own church still were playing by the same faith rules as everyone else there. I remember when a woman from church asked me to be a bit actor in a film called “Can Soviet Imperialism Be Stopped?” (Will someone please find this film, in which young David Gushee, dressed as a Soviet soldier, menacingly pours red paint over a globe? Thank you.) This woman was a serious Cold War Republican who worked hard to get Ronald Reagan elected. But she — and her organization — bore no resemblance to the debased freak show we are now seeing wrapped in the banner of Jesus.

“There is no single version of Christianity or any religion.”

Here is what I have learned: There is no single version of Christianity or any religion. A religious tradition is like any other living thing — it is organic, dynamic and changeable. It can grow healthier or sicker. It can become more like, or less like, or completely unlike, its founder, spirit and original vision.

There are many names for what has become of this era’s right-wing white American Christianity. The most commonly used is (white) Christian nationalism. Some are going with Christian right-wing populism. Some are calling it imposter Christianity. Others call it Christofascism. I have been tempted to call it “Christianism,” like the way the term “Islamism” was used to separate radicalized terrorist movements from mainstream Islam.

In the manuscript for a book I will be calling Defending Democracy from Its Christian Enemies, I settle on “authoritarian reactionary Christianity” as my main label, although this book and label focus mainly on the anti-democratic dimension of this movement.

Whatever we call it, anyone who has any understanding of and commitment to a healthier, recognizably Christ-following version of Christianity must fight hard for the integrity and survival of such faith — and for the excising of the cancer that is overtaking Christianity in this country today.

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I do try!

Learning to stay quiet is my biggest problem!  Most days I feel surrounded with less than intelligent people with no way out! Maybe it’s kinda like when you stink you don’t know you stink you can’t smell yourself…I guess when your not overly smart you don’t realize it, you just regurgitate what someone tells you and think your smart! You just follow along doing what your told believing what your told! Maybe it’s better than critical thinking skills🤷‍♀️

 

Why we left

How I arrived at this place life means going back to the beginning. I would have to go back 50+ years in all reality to the “In the beginning” of my life. So I will only go back to the day I walked out of the church doors of 13 years never to return.

I can’t honestly tell you when it all started, I’m going say about a year prior to our departure. Looking back it’s when I began to discern something was off. 

I had grown so much in my faith that final year. I was in a really good place yet couldn’t shake this feeling that something wasn’t quite right. It seemed to revolve around a certain 2 people. 1 my aunt(my moms sister) and another lady that I’ll call Jean who  was close friends with my aunt. I trusted my aunt and looked to her as a sort of mentor, someone I respected to give advice, pray for me and mentors me on my walk. She had been a Christian her entire life. 

We had a young couple at our church whom I’ll call Mike and Mary. They were on fire for god. Everyone loved them, rallied around them and their children. But I didn’t quite see things the same way. Something felt off to me. I never got super close with this young couple. I did know that they too had dealt with problem involving Jean.

Jean was a church hopper by all accounts she had openly admitted to being kicked from other churches due to her kids behavior some of which included her one son molesting a 4 year old at a day Jean ran.

It seems Jean had an issue with people that came to close to the truth about things going on behind closed doors. 

She would began to spread rumors about those she felt were to close to the truth. Although I never got close to Jean she apparently had a major issue with me…I think she knew I saw through the facade. And my aunt shared conversations and things with Jean that her and I had talked about. Jean was able to use that information to her advantage but twisting things to fit her agenda.

Anyway to try and condense this a bit I had called my aunt to ask advice about a situation with Mike at church. It wasn’t anything horribly bad but when you have discernment/intuition, we’ll suffice to say you are able to discern things. I was struggling so I confided in my aunt and was hoping for advice. I was told maybe I should talk to the Pastor and he could fill me in on things about this young couple Mike and Mary. Well, I felt at that point it would be “gossipy” and I didn’t want to do that. 

So I let it go and figured god would work it out. What I didn’t know at the time is my aunt called the pastor and told him about conversation that was meant to be private…then she called Jean to tell her…I believe this is where it all started to go terribly wrong. 

I began to notice subtle changes, nothing I could quite put my finger on, but there was a nagging in heart, my spirit if you will. I blew it off and figured I was being paranoid or silly.

Fast forward to about 6 months after this, it was around September 2013 I felt someone staring at me from behind one Sunday night at church. I turned my head and there sit Jean off to left about 4 pews back staring at me and what appeared to be chanting something…I awkwardly smiled, turned back around and scooted closer to my husband. At that point I knew something was definitely off. On the drive home I told my husband about it and he kinda dismissed my concerns and said she was probably praying for me…but for what? It just felt so off but again I let it go thinking it was “just me”…I would later learn I had been the topic of many conversations amongst certain church members and was later even told certain ones had held “meetings” in their home to talk about me.

It was our Sunday potluck and I sat at a table with my husband, soon Mary and a few others would join us at our table. We were having good light hearted conversation and some laughs…all perfectly innocent.

As things were winding down and people going home Jean came up to me and ask are you coming to the harvest festival we are having in early October….I responded with No as my answer and you would’ve have thought I pulled a gun judging from the look on her face. Lol…let me give a short backstory here to make this make sense. 

This particular pastor for many years of my church life(he had been my pastor since I 15 yrs old, he started at my original home church then moved) had always taught Halloween was evil and churches should not ever participate. Even calling it by a different name such as trunk or treat was just trying to make evil look more appealing. So I was genuinely confused as to why the Pastor suddenly decided to participate. 

I was trying to follow what I thought god said was right…

A few minutes later Mary took me aside ask me if I would explain why we weren’t attending the harvest party. So I explained how the Pastor for years, had said it was wrong and cited the scripture he always had about abstaining from all appearances of evil…she said it made perfect sense but it was just hot dog roast and chili etc…I stood my ground and told her no judgement at all it was just something my husband and I weren’t comfortable with and left it at that. No meanness or judgment in my tone as I really felt “to each their own”.

The next Sunday morning the sermon was about being self righteous and so much so a woman in the church wasn’t going to attend the hot dog roast! I was frozen in my seat. I was fighting back tears, the lump in my throat I thought was going to suffocate me…I’m not sure how long service was that day but it seemed like hours. Not even sure I was breathing through it…I felt humiliated, hurt, angry, confused, and belittled and betrayed!

When it was finally over my pastors wife hugged me and I said “I hope you take that the way it was intended”…I fought back tears and said I wish no one had ask me if I was going and I walked out. I cried all the way home in shock and confused at what had just happened. 

The next few days are kind of a blur…I went over the conversation in my head that I had, had with Mary…it was innocent, I simply answered a question…I began to understand why I felt that something was off…but still wasn’t sure what. 

The following Thursday I decided to call my Pastors wife and try to understand what had happened. I called, she answered and I ask her why the pastor preached that sermon..she said I needed to talk to him. I said I’d rather talk with her. Wrong thing to say again it taken as something so crazy to this day I don’t get how all this got so blown up….

Let me explain why I didn’t want to speak with the pastor. I came from an abusive home. My dad(rest his soul) was very abusive and we were not allowed to question anything, if we did it did not turn out good for us kids. My dad was very authoritarian in his parenting so I grew up being afraid to talk to a man in authority about important issues. I was scared. 

Anyway, the pastors wife handed the phone to him and he was immediately abrupt in his hello with me…anger was in his voice…I finally got the courage to ask why he had preached that sermon on Sunday and he exploded! Told me he didn’t answer to me, he answered to god…he knew who I was and what I was…I literally forgot most of what else he said as I just felt my heart fall…he began quoting things from conversations I had, had with friends in the church…one about a pair of 5 inch heels I had said my daughter couldn’t wear to church…a couple from our church was over for dinner and we were laughing and being silly about these very high heels …he told me I had no right to tell my daughter she couldn’t wear those to church…WHAT? This is a man who didn’t allow his wife or daughter to wear pants or cut their hair? I started crying and tried to ask what he was talking about and he said you know what I’m talking about…the truth is, no I didn’t…to this day I still do not know exactly what prompted all of this…I have speculation.  At then of the end of the conversation I told him he had no worries I would not be back…my husband had heard him screaming at him from across the room…I was devastated…I was in shock…my whole world had fallen apart in less than 5 minutes….and I had no idea why…

I’ll finish this with a part 2…

Letting go

 

This morning sitting outside enjoying my coffee a gentle breeze was blowing, I watched several leaves come loose from their branch and slowly float to the ground. Each one seemed to so easily let go and accept it was time to let go. My mind wandered a bit to how hard it is for some of us to let go of things even when we know it’s time to move on…maybe it’s fear of change..maybe fear of what’s next…maybe it’s just wanting to hold on to familiarity even if its not healthy…

I share my journey here not to get attention, change anyone’s mind about their religion or to say they are wrong…I share my journey because I know there are 1000’s like me seeking answers and trying to find their way.

The journey out of organized religion and into agnosticism or atheism is not easy…it’s not like a snap decision…it took me 18 months to finally know I was done…we had left our church of 13 years under less than good terms, from there we visited several different churches…we finally settled on one that was really small. The pastor was an older woman in her late 70’s she had been pastor there for several years. We were welcomed with open arms…some friends of ours started attending there as well. They had no Sunday school teacher so I was ask to teach…I was honored and after a week of prayer felt like it was what I was to do. I accepted. Our friend was ask if he’d like to preach one evening and he was great! He began to preach on occasion to give Sister Helen a break. All was good. We all felt god had sent us there to help this church. Months wore on things just didn’t seem right. Little things in her sermons felt off. We had a guest preacher one Wednesday evening who spoke truth about the salvation process. The next Sunday Helen stood at the pulpit and ran this man into the dirt. It was awful…my husband and I had known this man for years and knew his heart! What he said was straight from scripture! In that moment I looked up at my husband and said I’m done…I can’t do this anymore. We walked out never to return. This was the hardest decision I had ever made. My husband and I spent much time in conversation and trying to figure out where do we go from here..nothing had made sense to us for several years…we had for years been questioning so many things…we began studying and asking questions..the more we talked, read, studied and ask questions the more questions we had.  No one could or would answer our questions. Everyone it seemed had the same canned answers. It was frustrating to say the least…

I began buying books, reading online, looking into different religions..I discovered so many lies I had been told…It took me 7 years to finally say I no longer believe in god…at least in the sense I was taught…

The Bible is contradictory and when one can read it from an objective perspective it just doesn’t make sense…I’ll explain a bit more in a minute…

Most of my family and my husbands family are Christian’s..we are told pretty often we are hell bound and need to get back into church….sigh…it’s hard…we didn’t walk away from our faith because it was easier…it’s harder than anything we have ever done in our life! Most people in our area are Christian’s…we lost friends and family when we left. People we loved dearly and we thought loved us quit talking to us. We would see them in the grocery store and they go the other way. It was awful and so very hurtful.  Anyway, those who think when people make this decision they do it on a whim, do it to “live in sin”, “to validate sin”, or “to make life easier” well, I’m here to tell you, we made our life far more complicated and hard by leaving…no one does that on purpose! 

Please note this is a very, very condensed version of events…so much happened that led to this decision over an 18 month to 2 year period.

Some of the questions that arose were why does god allow bad things like child abuse, sex trafficking, murder, war, torture, domestic violence, just major suffering of any kind…

Mainstream Christianity says god is all powerful, all knowing and all loving…meaning he wants the best for everyone…but here’s the problem…

Some souls go to hell for eternity, the worst fate imaginable…does god know ahead time who is going to hell? Can he prevent it? Does he choose not to prevent it?

So if god wants to prevent souls from going to hell but can’t he’s not all powerful…

If can prevent it but doesn’t, he’s not all loving…

If he doesn’t know who is going to hell until the end then he’s not all knowing!

 How does this make sense?

Some argue it’s free will, but if choosing not to believe in god leads to eternal suffering how is that a fair choice?

That’s like an abuser saying love me or I’ll beat you!

That’s not love and absolutely not a logical or fair choice.

Even if we accept that argument, remember hell is eternal…

An all loving being would at the very least give us another chance 

But hell is forever, there are no second chances 

So either god can’t prevent people from going to hell

Meaning he’s not all powerful 

Or he won’t meaning he’s not all loving 

Or he don’t know who’s going so he’s not all knowing.

Let’s look at child abuse, cancer, human trafficking…we can ask these same questions using these scenarios 

If he allows these things even if he can intervene and stop it, this means he’s not all loving

If he can’t stop it , he’s not all powerful

If he doesn’t know it’s going to happen…that makes him not all knowing! 

No matter how you slice it, it doesn’t make sense…I cannot reconcile these things in my mind.

Just this one contradiction proves that the god of the Bible as described in traditional Christianity is a logical impossibility! 

People argue that their experience proves there’s a god. Your experience does not prove to everyone god exists…it proves it to you! I could say I had an experience that convinced me the solar system was made of cheese and fruit and you need to believe that now because I experienced it! See how silly that is?

The garden of Eden story in Genesis…read it objectively…who tricked who? Was god actually the serpent? When he ask Adam where art thou because he and Eve hid, if he was all knowing he already knew where they were? Is this not manipulative? 

Why did he lie and tell them they would “surely die” as soon as they ate from the tree? 

All that happened is that they gained knowledge…

He also ask Adam if he ate from the tree, Adam blamed Eve, he threw her under the bus…wouldn’t an all knowing god already know that? Kinda manipulative huh?

Why did god not want their eyes opened?

Wouldn’t an all loving god have forgiven them rather than cursing them and us forever?

And why didn’t he just stop them from eating the fruit to begin with? What did he make it so appealing? Why not make it unappealing so they would not want to eat it.

So he’s not all powerful…

So god cursed all of mankind for ever because Eve made a mistake and ate from a tree. Women more cursed than men. Why not just extend  forgiveness? Isn’t that what a truly loving god would do? As a parent are we not forgiving of children when they mess up. Even if our child/ren do something we tell them not to do we do not exile them from our home. We forgive, explain and move on. Isn’t this the very least our father(god) should do for us? For Eve? I just really struggle with this whole story…and many more stories in the Bible.

So many questions no one can answer…the generic answers of you just have to believe, have faith…they no longer work for me or others…

I had to learn to let go…just like the trees lose their leaves one at time, we too must shed things that no longer serve us one at a time.

More later…until next time..

THL