I have vowed to make it my lifes work to help others that have been abused by their church...the pain of this is unbelieveable...for years now I have tried to stuff it, laugh it off, play like it wasn't there,read about how to 'get over it' and I have realized unless I face these feeling head on with full force I can't move on...I'm stuck...everything brings on the memories...I hate this...I want to be done with it...the pain is almost unbearable at times...I still have hope...
I had a dream last night...I was in some big city...Dallas maybe...I had drove there myself and was fine, the plan was to stay the night and drive home the next morning...have no idea why I was there..LOL...but I got a call saying the plans changed and I needed to come back right then...I tried explaining to the person(unknown) that it was dark and I couldn't drive after dark...I didnt even know which way to go after leaving the parking lot...the person kept insisting I leave right then...I was totally lost, confused and kept explaining I didn't know how I had even gotten to where I was so there was no way for me to find my way back...they hung up on me and just left me...sitting there...trying to figure out what I was suppost to do...This is so how I feel inside...everyone that I loved, cared about, counted on has left...left me standing in the middle of all this mess and telling me to move on...get over it...I am screaming inside "I WANT TO GET OVER IT"...but I don't know how...in my dream I remember looking for a GPS...I think in my life I am hoping to find a GPS...a map, a set of rules to follow to get back to where I used to be...I want to be that happy person, the person that loves life again...but I don't know how...so much has changed...theres an old song by Cher that says..."If I could turn back time"....Oh! how I wish I could...Go back and undo all that has happend...I know I can't...but I just feel so stuck...like this whole process has come to a halt and I can't go forward or backwards...I'm just stuck...and no one gives a crap...Let me say I know my husband does...he gets it...but I even try to hide all my emotions from him, because I feel like after all this time I should be better...I mean its been 3 years..I have learned alot in this 3 years.... I will admit that...some of it has been beneficial, some...not so much...but I am sure what I have learned...both good and bad... has importance to my journey in the big scheme of things...
With all this said...I'm gonna sign off for now...thanks for letting me get all this out...I don't like ranting or pouring out my emotion like this...its hard for me...but it seems to be a bit easier on a computer screen...maybe because I don't personally know some of you out there...maybe its because I don't feel the judgement I do with people in real life...whatever the reason I want to say thank you for allowing me this space and thanks for "listening" if you happen upon this...I may do this again from time to time...maybe I just need to get it all out...this wound has festered far to long and it needs cleaned out...it may be ugly at times...so bear with me...I still have hope... that this thing will eventually quit hurting so much....and again, thank you for allowing me space..
Much Love and Light
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