I have never been one to make resolutions for the new year...I have always been of the mindset that many times you set yourself up for failure when for reasons, sometimes out of our control we fail to keep those resolutions....so for me resoultions serve no good purpose.... I have realized that mindful reflection from the past year allows me to learn and grow from the experiences I had during the year...with that said...the journey begins...
The very beginning of the year found my dad still hospitalized from a collapsed left lung, and a blood clot in his right lung...this was his carry over stay from December last year...He recovered and began his own mindful journey of finding his way to peace. As I have had said it was here my own journey began...
My journey this year has really been about self acceptance and figuring out its ok to be me...its ok to be who I am...its ok to love the person I am...it has been about finding my own peace in this life...
I realized early on while watching my dad, that when we don't or cant accept who we really are as people we are miserable...Me, like my dad have had a hard time just being who we are...I think for my dad and I both our desire to accepted and loved over rode our ability to just be who we are...Speaking for myself only here, my inability to accept myself as I am was due to the years of indoctrination in my church denomination....we were always told we were bad, sinners, no good, didn't deserve to live, and ultimately if we didn't live like we were told we would burn forever in a firey pit of hellfire because it what we deserved....I shudder as I write that...As an adult I look at that and see the horrendous damage done to a child or even young adults self worth...my entire life, all of it...this is the message I have been told...Watching my dad suffer with what I now believe to be this same issue I learned that the gospel message is perverted by many for their own gain...in order for pastors to keep the door open they must feed us something that keep us coming back...what better message than if we don't go to church and believe what we are being told...we burn forever, for all eternity in a lake of fire...We are told we must accept their interpretation of the bible and live as we are instructed or perish in fire...I spent much of my adult life in fear, anguish and anxiety wondering if I was ok...I have discovered that yes, I am ok just as I am...I have risen from the mud and am becoming a beautiful lotus...in the christian world you have been raised from the mirey pit and have become a new creature...same thing, different wording.
So let me stop there a minute and tell you what I now know....Not all churches/denomination teach that message as harshly as it was fed to me...not all Christians believe this way and I have learned that it is nothing more than a form of judgement and a way to control the masses....
God is not a human....he "just is"....he is in everything we see, feel, taste, smell, and all that we are...God lives in each one of us...he is not some entity up in sky that is waiting to strike us dead....No!, he is here living with us and in us daily...
The other thing I have found this year is that people have a very difficult time with others that are different in their belief system....this has been a very painful lesson for me...A friend, a phone friend really, a women I loved dearly who taught me so much about Love, Mercy and Grace apparently has decided I am no longer worthy of her friendship since I have left organized religion and decided to study other ways. IE: Buddhism...more on that later....Another very dear long time friend of mine is I believe struggling with my decision as well...It kills me...what neither of these women understand is that I am the very same person I was before....I am just being honest with them and myself now....I have taken off the mask....I have learned people only wanna see what 'meshes' with their belief system....anything outside of their box is labeled evil, degenerate, or worthy of going to hell. Our christian society has lost the ability to think for themselves...we/they only see what they have been taught to see...Maybe out of tradition from their family as in my case, or maybe because they feel like they must have the dogma to be ok and feel worthy of being loved by God....whatever the reason, it breaks my heart to lose or feel like I have lost 2 wonderful ladies in my life...
Loss and letting go has been the central theme in my life this past year....We have had a small farm(homestead) for 16 years...this summer being diagnosed with Systemic Lupus has been a real life changer as well....Being someone that craves the sun like most people crave food this was a real blow to me...After the reality sank it and I accepted this is my new normal, with great difficulty and many tears my husband and I came to the same conclusion that it was for the best to sell off the critters....I can no longer care for them and my husband can't work full time and farm fulltime too....so with a heavy heart we sold all the chickens, the turkeys and the incubator is for sale...My husband still has his pigs and at this time the decision has not been make as to what to do with them...they are an old heritage breed and being the person I am I love the old breeds that are endangered...So we may choose to keep them....the lesson I learned is that attachement to "things" or a way of life is not good....it brings great suffering when they must be let go...I learned some things, some people, and some ways of life are only for a season and when that season ends a new season begins....I am now embracing the new found freedom I have from the homestead life....and looking forward with great anticipation what this next season has in store for me, for us....
The greatest lesson I have learned this year is that life is short...there is not alot of time to live and enjoy all the wonderful things creation has given us in this world...In order to enjoy this life, and the abundance of goodness in it, we must let go of all dogma, hate, judgement, indoctrination and preconceived ideas that we carry...we must find a way to lay it all down and look at this world and the people in it with love and acceptance....I'm not talking about accepting crime like rape, murder etc...I am talking about coexisting with one another...joining hands and loving each other....put aside all religiosity, all the baggage, all the hate and love each other...we all have a story....we all have a past...we all have baggage...but God also gave us the ability to love...if you want people to see God, know God and experience God...then love them...right where they are...Don't use your words....words are so empty in our world...words most of the time get in the way of living our beliefs....We get so busy trying to tell others what we believe, and them telling us what they believe and both sides trying to convince others why their way is best that we forget love is a VERB not VERBIAGE! Words are just words....but love in action can move mountains, it can heal the broken hearted, it can light the dark, it can give life...it can change you and through you and each of us the world can be changed one person at a time...
My lessons this year have been many....they have been profound for me...as I go forward this next year my hope is that these new found revelations stay with me and I can do my part to love and to show love....I want to be just one of millions that choose to love and not hate, that choose to be the change I wanna see...I want to touch lives in a way that says " I love you just as you are, even if it doesnt mesh with my way"....I want to make the world a better place and to leave people better than I found them...
I want them to remember me for the love I showed them regardlesss of race, religious belief, sexual orientation, etc....When they walk away from me I want them to feel good about who they are....I want to leave them better than I found them...If I can do that with even one person...and that one person pays it forward...wow! what a different world we could live in!
I wish you all great blessings and may all your dreams come true in the new year!
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