When my dad was dying I saw much unrest in him...it was in his words, in his demeanor and in his body language...this was at the beginning of his illness....the last 9 months of his life seemed to bring about a change...bit by bit, little by little, day by day, moment by moment...as I watched him transform, I was reformed...
To transform means: to change in condition, nature or character according to dictionary.com
To reform means:to make changes in something in order to improve it according to dictionary.com
His transformation was like watching a metamorphosis...he changed from what I always perceived a monstor into a human being...he had only told me he loved 1 time in my life when I was 12 after he had beat me with a stick, but over his 9 month process of dying those words become more and more familar to me...and I knew he meant them more each time he spoke them...and it was because of that my reformation began...
So backing up a little I wanna start with I always felt my life was a bit of a trainwreck....lots of destruction...from failed realtionships to just being an unhappy person...
I envisioned this trainwreck of my life as just that....a train that had been derailed...I stand on the outside looking at it....looking at all the pieces before me, that ARE me...some are big, some are small, some are miniscule, but piece of me nonetheless....some peices are shards of glass...I think they represent toxic people in my life...they have wounded me deeply, cut to the bone at times....yet I am still standing...scarred....but I stand..I am not yet broken, but bruised and battered, yes....but yet I stand today....reformed...
I stand here looking at a lifetime of wreckage, wondering where to start to begin cleaning up this mess and rebuilding myself...I look at my scars and they are a painful reminder of where I have been, but yet they also serve as my strength to move forward....
So move forward I do....I don't think there is a good starting place with something like life changes...I think we just start...sometimes we start before we know we started....which has been the case for me....my 'rebuilding' process if you will began 3 years ago with the church ordeal and has continued on since then....my dads battle with illness was yet another major step in cleaning up this mess....
I began to realise the lies, deception and toxcicity of the people in the church I was in...they were good people, don't get me wrong, but they were toxic because they played into the lies...just as I did for many many years...Years of being controlled with scripture, and snide remarks, years of trying to be accepted...losing yourself trying to be loved and wanted and cared for and accepted by a body of people that in the end rejected you in the most unimaginable way....this, saddly is the way they view God...we have to be good enough, do all the right things, say all the right words, be at all the right places at just the right time and look the right way so people know who we represent...I used to think they meant we represent God but now I think what they really meant was that we represented them...it was all about how it looked, not how it was...just like growing up in domestic violence we just all looked the part, didnt matter that we were all falling apart inside...it was what we presented to the outside that matter....legit or not!
You couple this kind of abusive church with a person that comes from an abusive home and it is a recipe for disaster...I lost myself in it all...I lost myself in the anger, the trying to be good, the trying to say all the right things, the trying to look the part...I lost me...in all this wreckage "I" was missing...I couldnt find my way out of this mess...When I would want to leave the church I would become scared of going to hell...I would become scared of losing the people, the familiarity...what if Jesus came back and I had left my church which they equated with leaving God...Surely these things are not how it really is I would tell myself....but the sermons would soldify that yes, indeed if I left the church I was doomed....They would twist your words and when you were sad, depressed, sick or otherwise not perfect you would be told/quoted scripture to 'fix' you...you needed to pray harder, have more faith, read your bible more, get into the word, don't watch certain television shows, stay away from contemporary christian music(its evil you know :) sarcasm intended) All other religions are a door to the demonic and is evil(such a lie)..if we did all the bible reading, praying etc and we were still struggling it was our fault because we didn't have enough faith....underlying message is "your defective because this should work"....so I would walk away from being beaten with scripture with the idea I was defective in some way that I needed to figure out.....what we weren't told is that we ALL struggle regardless of being a christian or not.....We believe all the lies because if we don't we feel like we will die...die from being rejected by those people and by God....people like me long to be accepted and not rejected...the rejection to people like me is like death...its that underlying message we are not good enough, there is something wrong with us, we are defective in some way, we just can't be loveable the way we are because we never have been...I think my dad felt this way which is why he was the way he was...the fear of rejection the years of abuse by his mother took a toll and he became hard and bitter...in order to feel in control he controlled by abuse...He too felt unlovable by God because of a past experience I won't get into here....suffice to say I get why he felt th way he did...I understand it now....
Growing up was kinda the same way as it was in the church I was in...in order to keep my dad happy we had to "behave" and we never quite knew the rules...what was ok today might not be ok tomorrow and it was a constant sense of chaos with us...we just never knew what we were to do to be accepted and not hit...this has led to a life of confusion for me and my 2 siblings...we tried to do all the right things, but it was never enough...nothing was ever enough....we were never enough...this is has been my whole life message....I was not enough or good enough....
The last few months as my dad transformed, things inside me began to change...the love I had for him was no longer out of duty just because he was my dad...I was no longer trying to get him to love me...it didn't matter...because I loved him with a love I have never felt for anyone other than my children...it was deep, it was.... well, just pure love...there was no wanting him to change, or to love me back, there was none of this I have got to be good around him or try to impress him with my intelligence...there was no conditions put upon the relationship...because of this our relationship began to change...he was happy to see me when I would go and see him and told me many times that I would never know how much it meant to him to have me there so much....he told my aunt(his sister) he was so proud of the person I was...He loved me back...finally, 50 years of trying to be loved by him he loved me back....he would hug me when I would leave and tell me he loved me...The peace it brought me was something I cannot describe in words...I finally felt whole and worthwhile and like I mattered...I began to understand this is how God is...God is not some mean 'person' sitting up in the great beyond waiting to strike us dead at our mistakes...no GOD IS LOVE...LOVE IS GOD....
I have a couple of people in my life that have rejected where I am right now in my life and it hurts me deeply......I have decided to look into different way of believing...I have not left God....but I left my perception of him...I have not left Jesus....I have left my perception of him....I am finding my way...I am finding what I believe....I am cleaning up all the wreckage of the past 50 years and finding myself...instead of allowing others to tell me what to believe, how to believe and why I should believe like they do...I am finding what I believe about everything...life, God, religion, everything....It brings me a sense of peace knowing I am standing....not standing with battle scars from fighting for my life so much now....but I am now standing strong, and saying in my own way...I am going to be me...if you love me fine...if you don't thats ok too...I am standing here embracing who I am becoming and the peace I am searching for and finding....it may not be your path....and thats ok...but it is mine and its ok....I am ok...I am having to let go of all the wrong ideas and in order for me to do that I have to let go and much of what I have been taught and told...I am sure with time I will embrace parts of it, but I might not and that's ok too...I am learning to let go of all the judgment of others...church was the place I learned the the most judgement...sad, but true...seemed if you didn't toe the line and do things 'right' you were a hell bound sinner and going to burn for all eternity...I am saddened that I have rejected certain people and certain things and not allowed them just be who they are and I hate the fact I have hurt people because the church I was in taught us their way was the right way...there are many ways and we must all find what works for us...we all have a journey we are on...we all need peace, to let go of wrong ideas and to find our own way....
Until Next Time~
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