No Regrets?

My dad died at home, which was what he wanted...he had not been in the hospital for a couple of months before his passing, so visits were always much more comfortable as far the setting was concerned. He had been pretty much bed ridden the last couple of months only getting up to shower(with assistance) or sit on the bed side potty. Certainly not the way my dad wanted to live, nor the way I wanted to see him.

On one particular visit on Christmas day 2015 he seemed 'reflective'...he would mention things from his past, things from when he was married to my mom some 33 years earlier....they divorced when he finally found another woman...on this particular day he brought up dying and how he thought he was a good dad...he thought being a good dad was providing a nice home, good food and nice clothes, but most didn't think that was adequate because everyone wanted the emotional bulls#&%...What do I say to this was the thought that instantly popped into head?....I calmly looked at him and said "Well, daddy I think at the end of all our lives we need peace with who we are and what we've accomplished, we want no regrets." He sternly looked at me and said "I have no regrets! I have a had a good life." Tears were stinging my eyes, but I was not about to cry and allow him to see that one more time he emotionally just beat me me..our visist was only around 20 minutes that day and we left...I just couldnt do it...I could not sit there and listen to such nonsense.....I thought about what he said when we left that day and it crushed me...how could he have no regrets? Does he not regret beating our mom to a pulp monthly for 17 years? Does he not regret beating his children and telling us we were worthless and would never amount to anything? Does he not regret not really knowing who the 3 of us are? Does he not regret cheating on my mom for their entire married life? Does he not regret how he screwed up us kids by putting us through all of that and causing us to suffer from PTSD? No regrets, NO REGRETS! Damn him, how does he have no regrets!?

I left that day with many questions in my mind, a heart full of saddnes and questions that could not be answered..I had given up most of my Christmas day to drive 1.5 hours one way to spend with him only for him to pierce my heart with his hatefullness......I pondered a lot from this point on about regrets. I certainly have/had a few. Don't we all? Well, at least if were honest...I'm not talking about the small regrets like I should've bought the blue dress instead of the red one...I'm talking the big stuff....you know, the relationship that ended and you never got over, the job not taken, the journey not started, not saying what you wanted to say, or wishing you hadn't have said what you said, all the misunderstandings that were never corrected...the really big stuff...the stuff that defines our life for many years...

I become very reflective over the next weeks...wondering who I was, what I wanted for the rest of my life, how to right the wrongs, what did I believe about life, God..... myself...I thought I knew and now, suddenly I am finding I don't know any of these things...my life had always been defined by others and their action or reactions....Here I am almost 50 years old and pondering what I even believe about life in general...I think this was a turning point for me on a personal level...I had vowed to not go back and see my dad the day he told me he had no regrets...I just couldnt deal with it....with him...but in the wee hours of the morning.... one morning in Mid January I began to realize he did have regrets or he would not have brought it up...but my dad, being the strong, stubborn, always right everyone else wrong kinda man was not about to humble himself and admit he had nearly destroyed 4 lives, he was not going to take responsibilty nor was he going admit he was wrong...but he knew deep inside was wrong, and he was hurting...I think this is the point where I began to see things differently...I began to soften and look at things/him from a different vantage point....I think this where the journey of loving him uncondionally began...but it wasnt for him....no, it was for me....

I guess in early spring of this year 2016, I began to see my dad as a human being and not a monster...I began to see a softening in his eyes and in his demeanor and in his interactions with others...dont get me wrong he still had his moments of being a a$$hole but there were those moments of kindness and even some love...

To Be cont'd....